four children + green dreams + recipes + story writing + running wild + (sanity) = where you'll find me
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Fantasies and fears
buds on lilac, yesterday
This hot weather has revealed a serious gap in my wardrobe. Where did I put all my not-ratty, not-stained, not-holey, not-unflattering t-shirts? I'm good with the jeans (refreshed on my birthday). I'm good with the sandals (footwear should last for years on end). But the t-shirts have up and left town. Actually, no, they're still hanging around the bottom of my over-stuffed shirt drawer, crumpled and neglected and forlorn.
So here's a fantasy or two. Or three.
1. Side fantasy to precede other fantasies: An IKEA-like organizer magically appears in my closet into which I can stuff all of my smelly sports-related clothing. Because I have a lot of technical shirts, sweaters, and tanks that are not appropriate for anything but exercise. And the drawer is too full. So I can't see what's actually in there. This would save on time and irritation.
2. Sticking with the drawer-clearing theme: Someone goes through my drawer and forces me to give away anything that a) I haven't worn in a year or b) I shouldn't be wearing and someone should please inform me. Maybe I'm fantasizing about a What-Not-to-Wear scenario. Without cameras.
3. Now that the drawer has been organized and emptied: Someone, who is my exact size, drops off a bag of cast-off clothes and I dig through and find at least THREE excellent shirts, new to me. (This is how we got all of our clothes as kids -- we had lots of older cousins -- and it is my preferred shopping method even now.)
Okay, back to reality.
1. I could do this. I've been meaning to for months. Why haven't I?
3. The realistic and therefore less fantastic version: a super-fast t-shirt shopping session at a secondhand store. I hate shopping. But this version looks likely to come true, possibly as soon as this evening when I'll be taking Soccer Girl to goalie training. Apparently the arena is located near a top-notch secondhand store. Girding loins now.
Thus endeth the fantasy portion of this post. Is it just me, or was that pretty lame?
The fears portion shall begin now, but really it's just one Fear, an underlying anxious hum. This morning, I woke early. The clock said 4:34. The windows were open, and a machine was beeping the back-up beep somewhere down the street. And I couldn't for the life of me get back to sleep, though there were still forty minutes before the alarm was set to sound. Finally gave up, and got up to scour The Weather Network's web site for clues -- because there is something about this sudden onset of spring/summer that is distinctly unsettling. I want to be glad to see buds and tulips and green grass. Usually it's downright thrilling. We've survived winter! And here is our reward!
But this year, we scarcely had winter. And it feels like the reward is coming far too early and too easily. And whenever things come easily, I get suspicious. This must be a trick. Fool's gold. Fool's spring.
AppleApple sat in my office yesterday and with a concerned face told me she had a theory: "You know how some people think the world is going to end in December, 2012? What if it just keeps getting hotter and hotter and hotter until then? And the world ends?"
Sounds like the plot of a movie in which I'd rather we not star.
I reassured her that such a trend was highly improbable. And said that we should enjoy today, because we can't predict the future. Like a character says in The Juliet Stories: You don't control the weather. (Of course, there's so much we don't control. Not just the weather. What to do but take my own advice, enjoy today, walk barefoot in the new green grass, bend down and see the flower unfurling?)
I'm mother of four, writer, dreamer, planner, runner, photographer, taking time for a cup of coffee in front of this computer screen. My days are full, yet I keep asking: how can I fill them just a little bit more
-- with depth, with care, with pleasure.