four children + green dreams + recipes + story writing + running wild + (sanity) = where you'll find me
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Going for broke
New words written yesterday: 1,293.
Words in book, total: 83,139.
New scenes written: 2.
New scenes written that I hadn't planned on writing: 1.
Scene left painfully half-done due to the call of parenting (and piano lessons): 1.
A reader left a comment on yesterday's post sending me joy, which had been her meditation word for the day. First let me say that I love the concept of a meditation word. I tried it out at yoga this morning. The instructor suggested "love," (it is Valentine's Day), but I kept coming back to joy.
When I lay down for my morning nap, I wanted to say thank you, though I don't know exactly why, to my great-grandparents, only one of whom was still alive when I was born -- my great-grandma Ida, from whom I inherited my red hair. She passed away in the month following my birth, but I'm told she held me in her arms and acknowledged the arrival of another red-headed relation.
So as I drifted into sleep, I thought of each of these eight blood ancestors by name, men and women who gave me the genetic code that is uniquely mine. I am older by five years than two of them got to be, though others were long-lived. I thought particularly of my namesake, Carrie Anne, who died in her early 30s. I thought of the difference between my life and hers. I thought of the freedoms that I have had in comparison to the strictures of her life. I wonder if by expressing joy in the life I am given, I am thanking my ancestors for the unknown gifts and sacrifices their own lives contained.
A friend and I were discussing sacrifice yesterday. I said that I don't believe in sacrificing myself -- martyring myself -- although I know that circumstances don't always allow us to choose. But if we have the choice, I think it does nobody any good to behave in ways that are sacrificial. I don't mean that we should never give of ourselves, not at all. Looking in at those early years with my children, one could imagine a great deal of sacrifice going on -- all that breastfeeding, those interrupted nights, those days spent walking blearily around the block. But that was no sacrifice. I chose it, and I loved it, and I received in return so much from it. I was not diminished or depleted by giving of myself.
And so I ask:
Are you doing things that you don't enjoy?
Can you find ways to enjoy them?
If not, can you change what you are doing?
If not, can you ask for help? Can you find someone to talk to? Can you change one small habit and see what ripple effect it may have?
Goal for today: 1,000 words.
Finish half-done scene and explore changing location of final scene.
I'm mother of four, writer, dreamer, planner, runner, photographer, taking time for a cup of coffee in front of this computer screen. My days are full, yet I keep asking: how can I fill them just a little bit more
-- with depth, with care, with pleasure.